W. on the phone: 'So you're meta-whining now?' - 'Well, I've run out of things to write, it's terrible'. - So come on then: what's your latest line of flight? How are you going to escape this time?' - 'I tired of that. I've no energy to escape'. - What's happening, then?' - 'Nothing. Still on my 'lost weekend'; nine months left to go'. - 'How long's it been?' - 'Since May. Nothing substantial since May'. - 'It's always like that with you. Everything or nothing'.
'Look at Steve's posts. You're in one'. - 'I know. You're not'. - 'Ah yes, but I've interesting things in store'. - 'What?' - 'I'm going up in the world, you'll see'. - 'So what's going on at work?' - 'Nothing. It's all terrible'. - 'No it's not, it's getting better all the time'. - 'Oh yes, so it is, everything is getting better all the time'. - 'Quality's always improving, you know that'. - 'It has to get better -' Both of us together: 'or someone's going to get shot'.
Me: 'It never gets better though, does it?' - 'No. It's getting worse. It's going to get a lot lot worse'. - 'We're doomed, right?' - 'Oh yes, finished'. 'I've seen Bela Tarr'. - 'Oh yes, that's more like it. There's a film where these guys end up at the bottom of a pit, covered in shit, completely miserable. That's where you'll be, in the pit'. - 'But you're be the other guy in the pit. That's who you are. Covered in shit'. Laughter.
W.: 'He's great, Bela Tarr. Total despair. Shit everywhere. Ontological shit, cosmological shit. It's your life, isn't it - ontological shit?' Laughter. - 'You're ontological shit'. - 'No I'm not. You should see my Spinoza notes. They're great. So what are you lecturing on?'. - 'Heidegger'. - 'Again?' - 'How much time have I got? Besides it's R.A.E.-a-rama here. I'm filling in my esteem indicators'. - 'Oh yes, what are they? I could do with a laugh'. 'I can't think of any'. 'What about humiliation indicators? What about soiling yourself indicators? 'Buffoonery indicators? Apishness indicators?'. Laughter.
Me: 'God, I'm bored. And I'm staying in tonight'. - 'I thought you were out every night'. - 'No, not tonight, I've had enough. I'm staying in and watching more Bela Tarr'. - 'So what's your latest fantasy. Go on - tell me. Does it involve the net?' - 'It might do'. - 'It's a support device for your fantasies, the net. That's all it is'. Laughter.
W.: 'Why do you need to be loved so much? Why do you want to be adored?' - 'Come on, it's the opposite, it's the other way round - don't you see it?' - 'It's the same thing. It's exactly the same thing'. I am looking out of the window as I talk. 'Do you think the world's going to end soon?' - 'Yes. And you'll be the only one left, in your pit'.